It’s 7:32 a.m. You’ve hit snooze at least three times, and you’re dragging yourself out of bed. You splash water on your face and throw on clothes – no time for ironing, and your teeth can wait; you have mouthwash in the car.
If you hurry, you’ll have just enough time to hit the drive-thru Starbucks on your way to work. Your boss only side-eyes you if you’re more than seven minutes late, so you go for it. You know you’ll get there with two minutes of lateness to spare. (Take that Miranda.)
You pull up on Starbucks like Cardi B (or Mr. Vegas, depending on your generation), place your order and proceed to the window. They hand you your Green Tea Lemonade with light ice (Yeah, we’re onto your ice trick, Starbucks), and you drive off.
Victory is yours – you’ll get to work with three minutes to spare. You take a sip of your drink, and that’s when you realize it.
Starbucks tried to fucking play you.
Sound familiar? Yo, I feel you. But listen, the days of letting go of the $4.95 you spent on a sub-par drink are long gone. As are the days of eating half-cooked or over-cooked pasta. In a recent episode, we talked about companies getting over with no regard. But not today, Satan.
From now on, I think you better call Tyroooonnnnneeee. And by that, I mean Starbucks – you’re calling Starbucks, and any/everybody who tries to play you. It’s not for your health; it’s for your wallet, ma. Many companies will provide significant compensatory love for their fuck-ups, and with a little strategy, you’ll win in the end.
But… there’s levels to this ish.
Before you decide to be out here complaining all willy-nilly, you should know which companies have effs to give, and which will laugh at you for telling them you found a human thumb in your soda. I’ve provided some of the best and worst below to guide you along this new journey to free stuff.
Companies Who Give a Phoq
Starbucks: They’ll usually give you 2-3 times what you paid for a single item. Call: 1-800-782-7282
Chipotle: I’ve complained to Chipotle about everything from late group orders to bland queso, and they always come through. The number of free vouchers you receive will vary, but you should expect at least one. Contact Form
Amazon: I can’t say this enough – HIT THEM UP VIA CHAT! Don’t call and don’t email. When you chat with them, you’ll have there promises in writing, and you’ll likely be dealing with someone in another country with minimal account/order access. Amazon is quick to refund you for late, missing or non-working/unsatisfactory items without you having to send them back. They are also willing to extend your Prime membership by a month for free (game changer) and/or add a promo credit to be used on items sold/shipped by Amazon. Just be nice. Chat
In-N-Out Burger: (Sorry, East Coasters.) They don’t play about customer service. If they screw up, they’ll send you at least two meal vouchers for one sandwich, one drink and one fry of any size/type. You’re welcome. Contact form
Olive Garden: I can’t count the number of gift cards I’ve received from them ranging from $25-$75. Once, the OG in Brooklyn allowed this woman’s “service animal” to eat from plates, spoons, etc. used by the general public. I went the eff in and lived to tell you guys to hit them up when their pasta’s just slightly more trifling than usual. Contact form
Apple: Paid for something shitty on iTunes? Forgot to cancel an in-app subscription? They’ll refund it. Mmhmmm. Don’t ask for details, though because you’re not getting them from me. Chat
Hilton: Didn’t see this one coming, did you? Did housekeeping walk in on you? Did the Doubletree forget to give you your cookies, then refuse when you asked for more? Call Tyrooonnnnneeeee. Hilton typically issues a “Be Our Guest” voucher for a free night’s stay in a standard room. If you book through a third party (Priceline, etc.), they may let your hotel handle it, but usually, you’re good. Call: 1-800-445-8667
Choice Hotels: What do you do when there’s a glass wine bottle floating in the pool and maintenance is being done from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m.? Call them. They’ll issue enough points for a free night at a lower-level hotel. Perfect for … never mind. Call: 1-800-300-8800
Companies That Laugh At You For Calling Their Corporate Offices
• Domino’s Pizza
• A shit ton of other places making a killing off of your hard-earned
So, how do you deal with the shitty ones? Information soon come. Until next time.